‘How good am I at shoving?’

Koka Kolus implores you to BE PREPARED!!

Jake Lund, reporter

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I’m often told that I am overly prepared. And while normally I’m inclined to agree with the voices in my head, in this particular instance, I firmly disagree.

If anything, I’m not prepared enough and unfortunately at any moment someone may take advantage of that. It was in thinking over my disgraceful lack of preparedness and fear for my own life that I realized I’m not even in the worst position out of my peers.

Because as ill prepared as I am, other people are even less prepared. Now under the safe assumption that one out of five people reading this aren’t out to get me, I feel it is my duty to help this minority. This is due to a vague sense of moral obligation. I can only blame myself for not training these ridiculous ethical notions out of me.

In this I will reveal to you as much advice as possible without compromising my own safety. First and foremost, in learning to be a master in an emergency you have to ask yourself, “How good am I at shoving?” Very few masters in the ancient art of shoving exist in our modern age, which is unfortunate as shoving is a vital skill in an emergency situation. Often in an emergency you are forced to evacuate or retreat to a shelter.

Strangely enough others tend to have these ideas as well and will frantically run for salvation, creating a crowd. During an emergency you can waste precious seconds wading through a crowd, seconds that might cost you your safety. Thus shoving comes into play.

In an emergency it is a well-established fact that all morals and ethics get thrown out. When trouble approaches it’s survival of the fittest and everyone is in your way. So at the first sign of danger shove away; shove your neighbor, your friends, and your family. Pursue everyone and anyone you can because I guarantee they will get you if you don’t get them first.

Second only to shoving is the ever-important supply stashes. In the end, storing bundles of supplies in your most frequented places can only help you. The most vital aspect in this is your ability to hide your stash. If you don’t hide it well, I guarantee your stash is going to get jacked. And you don’t want some hooligan reselling it for a higher price; after all you paid for that stuff! Stashes should also be personalized to accommodate for each individual’s needs.

For example, every person has to have food so I, for one, recommend the Candwich™. This, for those who are uninformed, is a brand of canned sandwiches that come in a variety of flavors. It is an innovative product made by a man who was clearly using his head. Also the Candwich™ is recyclable, providing a purpose to that long abandoned emergency-recycling bin that we all have. Remember, the environment never comes second to survival.

The third piece of wisdom I impart on you is the importance of humility in confronting nature. Nature is an all-consuming monstrosity. It is just waiting to ruin our lives in horrific, horrific ways; ways that make apocalypse movies look like re-runs of Sesame Street. At any moment a super volcano may decide to erupt, causing a fiery rain of ash, steam, and lava that would alter the earth’s climate potentially causing mass extinction. Or at any second a massive solar flare could hit Earth, resulting in a collapse of almost all technology and possibly killing mankind with the excess of radiation.

You cannot stop this. You will never see this coming, and resistance is futile. Mother Nature is the master of our destiny and we as a species are insignificant in comparison. Knowing this, the best preparation I can recommend to accept your mortality is crying yourself to sleep while indulging yourself on Candwich™.

Also a first-aid kit might help.

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‘How good am I at shoving?’